How Positive Parenting Creates Positive Children

Any grandparent would tell you that disciplining children was way easier 20, 30, or 40 years ago than it is now. Today, if a child makes a mistake and you respond by shouting or spanking them, they yell ‘I hate you’ to your face and lock themselves in their rooms. The 21st-century child is highly intelligent, outspoken, and they don’t take anything lying down.

This has led to serious power struggles and, even sadder, broken relationships between children and their parents. Which leads to the one million dollar question every parent is asking themselves: how do you discipline your children without creating distance?

Positive Discipline

You may have heard the term “positive parenting”, and if you haven’t we are here to introduce it to you. In a nutshell, positive parenting focuses on three main aspects;

1. The parent commits to regulating their own emotions.

2. The parent prioritizes maintaining and even strengthening the parent-child connection, because it’s the only reason a child will cooperate.

3. The parent loves the child unconditionally, which means no love-withdrawal, control, manipulation, or any other emotional punishment parents may employ when a child misbehaves.

Positive parenting was designed to move far away from how our parents physically disciplining us, harming self-esteem, and doing a lot of yelling. It is about guiding and showing the child how to do the right thing and choose it by themselves, out of will and not fear of punishment. By doing so, the child will learn to behave appropriately even when you are not there and continue doing so into their adulthood.

The logic behind it is that punishment or control makes the child feel worse about themselves, destroys the parent-child connection, and doesn’t teach children self-regulation. All these combined make children behave even worse and encourage power struggles between them and the parents.

So, what is the solution?

Strengthen your connection with your child

Do you remember your favorite teacher in school? You would have done anything to please them, wouldn’t you? Well, that is exactly how children feel about their parents when the connection is strong. The problem with punishment is that it puts you at odds with your child, diminishing that connection and making it less likely that the child would want to please you.

In instances where the child shows defiance by saying phrases like “I don’t care what you say” or “you can’t make me”, it’s an indication of a broken connection. The best thing at this point is to start nurturing that connection back instead of getting into a shouting match or power struggle.

Check your tone

Remember how we said today’s children know their rights? One of those is the right to be treated with respect and not to be shamed. Naturally, when you scream, shout, or yell at someone, their defense mechanism of shutting you out kicks in immediately because they feel attacked. Instead, express your wishes in a calm, firm, and loving manner. While you’re at it, avoid saying shaming things like ‘your room smells like a pig sty, clean it up,’ or ‘why don’t you ever listen, are you deaf?’

Such phrases dig into the child’s self-esteem and make them start to hate themselves. Naturally, somebody who has issues with themselves will take it out on others by misbehaving.

The idea here is to check your emotions and make sure you are using the right tone, being respectful, and teaching instead of commanding.

Set boundaries

Effective discipline happens when you set limits so that children know what is right and wrong. Establish rules and implement them firmly and consistently. For example, you can say that meals are to be eaten at the dining table with everyone sitting on their own chairs. Of course, your child will still want to defy you and sit on your lap or eat while playing around the house, so you have to be firm and consistent about it, without losing your cool.

Set boundaries about bedtime, how to treat and talk to each other, no lying, and so on. If your child tries to go contrary to the rules, you can gently go to their level and say,

“I know you wish you could play longer and you are sad that you have to stop, but it's bedtime now” or

“I know you are scared of telling me you ate the cookies, but we always tell the truth to each other.”

With this tactic, you acknowledge your child’s feelings and reiterate the boundaries and rules at the same time, all in a loving manner.

The bottom line here is that punishment, including time-outs, don’t work, and you should avoid them where possible. Instead, use positive reinforcement and appreciation when they do something right, as opposed to always noticing the wrongs.

Remember that how you treat your child is how they will learn to treat themselves. If you teach them self-regulation and setting appropriate limits, that is exactly what they will learn to do.